Posthumous Memoirs of an Antivaxxer
Updated: May 29, 2020
Foreword from the Editor
If it’s any good, comedy is a powerful medium. It gets people to laugh, helps them connect and most magical of all – urges them to think and reflect, all while they’re having fun. Our blog team at YNA has expanded out to satire, and through comedy, we hope to lighten the mood during these often-mundane times and share a few truths along with the laughs. We’ve started by taking a jab at those who refuse to take jabs. Enjoy.
It is rare I spread my wings of wisdom to educate the tone-deaf general public. Dire times are truly upon us and now more than ever, it might be tempting to start entertaining bizarre notions. Society is on the verge of collapse. The economy – oh it hurts to even call it that anymore. Faced with the apocalyptic horror of staying at home for a few weeks, we start to crack – our true colours are shown, as misinformation spreads faster than the virus responsible for all of this.
Amongst all this turmoil, one group of people keep spouting the same lie about vaccination over and over, trying to rob us of a truth we’ve known our entire lives. Capitalising on any doubt and uncertainty we harbour from the current epidemic to further their cause. You know which deplorable group I’m talking about – the pro-vaxxers.
It seems Herculean to sour the mood further, but I’d like to share my experience. It took a particularly traumatic event for me to finally get my act together. Some time ago, I used to have an auntie who’d vaccinate herself quite regularly, even up to 5 times a week. I’d visit her every now and then and she’d always have that needle sticking out of her arm, passed out on her favourite chair. Years later, she suddenly died from overdosing on those vaccines and from that moment I made a promise to myself to never let this happen to anyone ever again. Bet you didn’t know they’re addictive too.
Fig 1. Auntie's favourite spoon
The Fundamental Issue
Vaccination conspiracies are a beartrap for the intellectually incapable. The French Revolutionist Rebel Wilson said it best: “think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.” The way I see it, stupid people are the ankle weights of humanity.
So many pro-vaxxers proudly proclaim they get all their information from “peer-reviewed scientific journals”. Yes, the same ones that claim homeopathy doesn’t work. It cured my glutton insensitivity, people.
By the time you’re done reading one paper, a new one has probably come out saying the opposite thing. These scientists change their minds way too quickly. There’s more flip-flop action going on in science than Manly beach. Thank God Facebook groups and private subreddits exist – truly a bastion of free speech.
Over there, you get what science can never offer: consistency. These are pages that are constantly reviewed by my friends – you know, actual peer review, rather than getting the opinions of some random ‘experts’. The cherry on top? You get to meet like-minded people who’ll post their objective opinions on the dangers of vaccines, supported by reliable personal experience that you are not allowed to criticise because that’s just mean. Besides, what’s more bulletproof than an anecdote? You can’t make stuff like that up, especially on something as sacred as social media. Also, as firm believers in free speech, we ensure an open discussion of both sides from an unbiased perspective by banning anyone who disagrees with us, hence maintaining a meaningful dialogue between pro-vaxxers and antivaxxers.
I hear vaccine trials are underway for this new virus, it’s time we stay vigilant. Stick to reputable sources of information, like WhatsApp and WeChat forwards, and keep away from the ‘science’ propaganda that is the World Healthy Organisation.
The world today is reminiscent of Orwell’s 2012 – A Space Odyssey. Sides are taken, protests are held, casualties fill the streets. We shouldn’t be at war with one another – we should be supporting each other. Maybe it’s time we stop this shouting contest and start listening to each other for once.
I’d like to extend an olive branch to any pro-vaxxers reading this. I sincerely hope you step on a rake, fall down the stairs and get smallpox you infantile, insubordinate, inreasonable imbeciles. You don’t deserve our clemency; you literally murder babies by forcing vaccines upon them. They can’t give consent, what gives you the right to penetrate underage kids?
Fig 2. My artistic rendition of a typical pro-vaxxer
Before any of you triggered pro-vaxxers chew through my Gmail storage with hate and lies, keep in mind I did not post this to get questioned. I am writing on the basis that I will not be judged. This is my safe space and you will not attack my beliefs and make me feel uncomfortable. I’m not interested in your anecdotes about healthy kids or that PhD you spent years of your life working towards.
To my regular readers – if you need any help sharpening your pitchforks or painting your signs, you know where to find me. Putting the truth in truthfully, Karen Satura
Word of the Day: Satura - Latin for satire